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[01 Dec 2009|02:13pm] |
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IMMERSE AND ESCAPE.
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rawwwr
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[01 Dec 2009|02:05pm] |
'Had a dream that we were dead, but we pretended that we still lived.
With no regrets we never bled and we took everything life could give
And came up broken empty handed in the end
In the hearts of the blind, something you'll never find is a vision of light
With the voice of the dead, I'm screaming
Had a dream that fire fell from an opening in the sky
Someone warned me of this hell, and I spit in his naive eye
And left him crying for my soul he said would die.
In the hearts of the blind something you'll never find is a vision of light
With the voice of the dead I'm screaming
In the hearts of the blind, something you'll never find is a vision of light
With the voice of the dead, I'm screaming
I don't know who I am anymore.
Not once in life have I been real, but I've never felt this close before
I've been looking in your window, been dressing in your clothes,
I've been watching you long enough to know I can't go on.
I've been looking in your window I've been dressing in your clothes
I've been walking dead, watching you, long enough to know I can't go on.'
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rawwwr
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[30 Nov 2009|06:06pm] |
Daddy,
I wish I had the words to describe the pain I feel. An untimely loss of life is devastating no matter what, but for a daughter and best friend there are no possible words of explanation. My grief has grown over the years instead of lessening or going away. The more I sit and think the worse off I end up. No amount of tears for you or stories about you can heal my wounds now. We are so much a like that I feel I have a part of you in my heart and mind at all times but how can I know for sure having only known you for half my life? I will never know. I can't even remember your voice any longer, let alone your smile or cry. Only distant haunting memories are what I have left. I see your face in a hospital bed with life support instead of the charismatic, talented, youthful, and extremely intelligent and intellectual father I wish I could see again.
How ironic that someone who adored life so passionately and used every moment so wisely would have it all taken away from them. You were not ready to die, just as I am not ready to live without you. I cannot spend the rest of my dull life hoping and praying to see you once more because I do not hope or pray. I can only dream and imagine. So daddy, visit me in my dreams and imagination because i fear that that is the only reunion we will ever have. In the meantime, you are remembered by every little talented thing I do--my cooking, my singing, my intelligence, my love for literature, art, music, and best of all I have the first name you gave me, your last name, and your wonderful heritage in tact.
If I am to ever have a son, he will bear your name as well.
Any way possible to keep your spirit alive in my life, I will and do.
I love you so much and I miss you dearly.
Happy Birthday Thomas Franklin Christian.
Forever,
Goober
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rawwwr
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[26 Nov 2009|05:38pm] |
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Every day I walk around feeling like I'm carrying the weight of souls on my back-from those dead or alive-and they follow me wherever I go without a moments rest.
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rawwwr
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[26 Nov 2009|11:22am] |
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I can honestly say that my experiences in America have been worse than Iran and if I could rewind time and go back I would be married with kids and extremely unhappy right now but who knows, maybe not. I'd be wealthy and never have to worry about school or job. I'd be surrounded by good people, rich culture, a large family, and warm friends. I don't want to be unthankful, especially on this poisoned rat's assday but I am greatful for what I do have now despite the hardships. Seriously though, America is NOT by any means the best country in the world. Who the fuck came up with that anyway? I've seen WAY better.
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rawwwr
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[25 Nov 2009|09:52pm] |
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Orally fixated, obsessive, compulsive, disordered, eating disordered, delusional, paranoid, horny, distracted, distorted, lying, self fulfilling, stuck in the past, stuck in dreams and wishes, insomniac, sleep too much, unable to function properly, erratic, sneaky, repetitive, overly sensitive, negative, blunt, honest, defensive, offensive, agnostic/atheist/unsure, unsure in general, cannot make up mind, all or nothing mentality, tendency to give up quickly and/or fail, extreme lack of self confidence and self esteem, no sense of self or standing or ground, alcoholic, drug addicted, suicidal, over analytical, over logical, over critical, over thinking, anxious, dependent, needy, constant need to let out emotion and words and thoughts, strong tendency to live in the past, trying hard way too be Vegan again, male figure needing, constant need for filling, anxiety ridden, depressed, manic, crazy, poetic, driven in all the wrong ways, constant need for love and effection (given and taken), vacant hole where father (family) used to be, alone, overwhelmed, emotional, conflicted, jealous, ungreatful, possessive, lost, no sense of time or place, no drive, no desire, no idea. The most ironical, hypocritical, human hating, grammar nazi, and humanity hating Psychology major you will ever meet.
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rawwwr
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[25 Nov 2009|03:37pm] |
Swaggering devil.
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There should be no hesitation in rising to be everything that you want to be. Stop depending on others to establish a sense of self worth and confidence in yourself. Be strong and persistent on your own grounds and your own time. DO NOT by any means believe everything you see and hear.
------
Tired of missing you and feeling the burden of guilt on my shoulders. I can drink away my sorrows for a few hours and stay transfixed in the emptiness of the streets and city lights surrounding me. But it's no use because my mind, my body, and my soul all come crashing back down on me. The memories, good or bad, will not fade.
Tired of thinking and over-thinking. Analyzing and over-analyzing.
Why do we always want what we can't have? Why are we never satisfied? And why can't your essence and your stupid foolishness leave me? I don't want your inspiration or attention any longer because it's no use. Everyone lies. Everyone sneaks around to please and then save themselves, even me. So the best solution is to regress; don't have feelings or expectations and have no care. Nothing in life should be taken seriously. If you are interested in a boy who is unavailable in one way or another, fuck it. Go along with your feelings, always. And if ever in doubt, don't act. Wait it out. Don't think just let your body guide you. What attracts you is what will, ultimately, be in your presence for better or worse.
This is Life 101. There are no fucking rules and regulations. Fuck what they tell you and what they think. Fuck what they think of you and your ways. We are only human. And humans do shitty and stupid things. So get used to it. And move on.
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rawwwr
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[23 Nov 2009|05:46pm] |
Assertive, impulsive, humanitarian.
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rawwwr
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[22 Nov 2009|11:40pm] |
*That man is not truly brave who is afraid either to seem or to be, when it suits him, a coward.
*That pleasure which is at once the most pure, the most elevating and the most intense, is derived, I maintain, from the contemplation of the beautiful.
-Edgar Allan Poe
*Absence from those we love is self from self - a deadly banishment.
*Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once.
-William Shakespeare
*Because I could not stop for death, He kindly stopped for me; The carriage held but just ourselves and immortality.
*Dying is a wild night and a new road.
-Emily Dickinson
*Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity.
*The last temptation is the greatest treason: to do the right deed for the wrong reason.
-T.S. Eliot
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rawwwr
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[22 Nov 2009|09:47pm] |
Nietzsche, once and forever more.
WORDS REPRESENT IN OUR MINDS--We always express our thoughts with those words which lie nearest to hand. Or rather, if I may reveal my full suspicion; at every moment we have only the particular thought for the words that are present in our minds.
DANGER IN BEAUTY--This woman is beautiful and intelligent: alas, how much more intelligent she would have become if she had not been beautiful!
DOMESTIC AND MENTAL PEACE--Our habitual mood depends upon the mood in which we maintain our habitual entourage.
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rawwwr
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[19 Nov 2009|05:32pm] |
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Where are you when I need you...any of you? Life is too short for this. Don't you see? There is so much we can have together and so many good memories and feelings to be had. Why deny it? Especially at a time like this, for me. Now more than ever I need those things that will keep me stable and able to go on.
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rawwwr
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[18 Nov 2009|07:50pm] |
Keepin' up them cold fronts.
I keep forgetting that I have no friends. Oops, I fail.
Life's a scary hairy bitch.
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rawwwr
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[17 Nov 2009|11:57pm] |
Isolation and the impending end.
Sometimes the smallest things in life build up to become one giant wave of despair and self deprecation. More often than not I find myself in a whirlwind of confusion and pure bewilderment at the very thoughts and actions of those around me. Including myself. Who am I and where am I going? When I look into the mirror I see a person bereft of all life, light, and joy. In such a world, I think, how could those things even exist? I know that they are few and far between, for me, because I chose for it to be this way. My actions always bear deadly consequences and they have for some time now. Simply because I make the wrong decisions. I speak the wrong words. But mostly it is because I just don't know and don't care. Sensitivity and pain are extreme in some areas for me, but then again when it comes to my life and just the prospect of life in general, all care and sense is lost. I am driven only by a ferociously strong need to express, to please, to love and be loved, to succeed. Mostly though, to just express in any way shape or form. Because without that expression, my emotions, thoughts, and feelings would ball up into a massive heart attack threatening my very existence (more so than it has already been threatened by mere anxiety and trepidation). There are times when I find myself unable to breathe or think and I feel the urge to blame someone other than myself even though I know I am the one to blame in most cases. Maybe if I had a father, maybe if I had siblings, family, close friends, love, drive, ambition...Maybe if I knew my direction and desires beyond the silly thoughts that run through my head on a regular basis. It is just like my lifelong struggle with weight and what I see in myself that is clearly not there but my eyes never falter. I seem to forget that life is precious and fragile. I seem to forget that what I make of life is what I get. Yet, I can't bring myself to care because the truth of the matter is that I like to suffer. Misery loves company, indeed. The longer you allow yourself to be submerged in this dark ditch, the harder it will be to find as escape. I know nothing else. And with every passing day, I want nothing else. I want the silence, the darkness, and the utter emptiness that would be the end of all my piercing wounds. The world around me...I, myself and my cognition that is, must be altered in some form or another before it is too late. So many years have been wasted in fear and confusion and regret. Now is the time to make a decision. Giving up is so very easy to do even if there are high costs that come with it. Sometimes these things work out for the best, or are just meant to be. Sometimes it is in fact your decision, and your decision only. This is my power. This is my pride. This is my life. Ultimately, I will do as I please with them.
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rawwwr
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[17 Nov 2009|03:32pm] |
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I dreamt of sweet kisses and hugs. You, and your beanie, for all intensive purposes. I never thought I could feel this way again or that anything short of a miracle was even possible. I never thought I would be able to pull myself back up again and be allowed to live in harmony. Maybe I was right because it was only a dream, once again.
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rawwwr
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[15 Nov 2009|02:02am] |
It kills me...
The fact that you are so oblivious.
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rawwwr
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[13 Nov 2009|01:18pm] |
-Nietzsche on truth and knowledge:
Man and things- Why does man not see things? He is himself standing in the way: he conceals things./There are no facts, only interpretations./Enemies of truth- Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies./Linguistic danger to spiritual freedom- Every word is a prejudice./Metaphysical world- It is true, there could be a metaphysical world; the absolute possibility of it is hardly to be disputed. We behold all things through the human head and cannot cut off this head; while the question nonetheless remains what of the world would still be there if one had cut it off./Just beyond experience!-- Even great spirits have only their five fingers breadth of experience - just beyond it their thinking ceases and their endless empty space and stupidity begins./What then is truth? A mobile army of metaphors, metonyms, and anthropomorphisms -- in short, a sum of human relations, which have been enhanced, transposed, and embellished poetically and rhetorically, and which after long use seem firm, canonical, and obligatory to a people: truths are illusions about which one has forgotten that is what they are; metaphors which are worn out and without sensuous power; coins which have lost their pictures and now matter only as metal, no longer as coins. We still do not know where the urge for truth comes from; for as yet we have heard only of the obligation imposed by society that it should exist: to be truthful means using the customary metaphors - in moral terms, the obligation to lie according to fixed convention, to lie herd-like in a style obligatory for all...
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rawwwr
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nafasbekesh's journal
